galeogirl

It's strange but it's true, yeah

2026-04-19T16:11:30Z

I want to break free
I want to break free
I want to break free from your lies
You're so self-satisfied, I don't need you
I've got to break free
God knows, God knows I want to break free - Queen

I officially resigned from the union this morning. I wrote two necessary newsletters related to strike funding and upcoming elections, then I logged out of social media, transferred Comms assets like the Discord server, and notified Jeff. I thought that I would be able to muddle along the last 75 days or so but too many things kept happening despite my pleas for a more manageable output schedule. People just wouldn't stop asking me for work and, even worse, not showing up on the rare occasions that I asked them for support, even when I was asking for support of the work that they were asking me to do.

There was a Comms meeting last Friday that I wanted to keep short because I had a lot to do in the lab and not a lot of energy. It went right up until the last minute and it was absolutely relentless with "Comms needs to do this" and "Comms needs to do that" and "Oh, by the way, I know that I'm supposed to be running this election but I nominated myself as a delegate so now someone else needs to take over the election midstride". I was so angry and depressed by the end of that meeting. There was exactly one person in that meeting that I did not want to personally punch in the face by the time that I logged off. And the depression has stayed with me, it made me realize that I cannot heal if I'm constantly being force fed the thing that is making me sick to begin with. This burnout state is hell, I'm trying not to get it on people but it has ruined my physical and mental health and every time I start feeling steady, more demands get dumped on me. I just can't take it. At this point I don't even want to go back someday.

So what DO I want? I want to get back to being creative. I want to take ASL classes. I want to focus on my health. I want some time again to spend how I want instead of being on everyone else's schedule. And I want to be out of the drama and political infighting.

I feel such a sense of relief, like there's been a boulder on my chest and someone finally decided to help me lift it off. I mean, it was me who did the lifting but the people who care about me have been very, very supportive. They're tired of watching me suffer and frankly probably tired of how surly I've been since the beginning of the year.

Now I'm focusing on my upcoming trip to Crypticon Seattle. I got the last of my makeup coming, the sfx adhesive and the stage blood. I still don't have defined costume ideas, I have an array of comfy clothes with horror themes, plus some masks, makeup, and accessories. I want to look at my yarn and see if I have some good wool in red, blue, and purple that I can needle pick to make fine veins to glue on my face and chest. I got a burgundy mascara that I wanted for ill-looking eyes but honestly it's quite pretty and I think I would just wear it. It will look spooky with a white foundation and reddish eye highlights.

I have a home blood test that I need to take and send in. Trying to decide if I want to do that today or later this week.

Also, I think I'm feeling fresh love and it's actually a pretty good feeling instead of sheer panic. I almost told them last night but then outside circumstances intruded on the moment and the moment was lost.

Gratitude
- I am so grateful that I will not be asked to do hours of work by someone who cannot be arsed to even show up when I need help.
- I am grateful that Crypticon is in 12 days.
- I am grateful to have this weight off of my chest.
- I am grateful for the support of my people in making a hard decision.
- I am grateful to have my time and energy back under my control.

comments

Last night I held Aladdin's lamp

2026-04-12T03:24:25Z

I like to dream
Yes, yes, right between the sound machine
On a cloud of sound, I drift in the night
Any place it goes is right
Goes far, flies near to the stars away from here - Steppenwolf

I got a lot done today. I got up early and lingered over breakfast, then did my online Qigong class. I like our spring practice, we're connecting the treasures and working with Dragon movements. Well warmed-up for living, I steam-cleaned part of the upstairs carpets, cleaned litter boxes, took out garbage, and that sat down to do my taxes. Normally I do my taxes very early, but payroll messed up my W2 by several thousand dollars so I had to have them issue a new one and it was issued right before the strike started. Getting a refund and thinking about how I'll use that. Thinking about starting a CD ladder and then putting the rest into high-interest savings. I usually allow myself one "fun money" thing but I think I'll make it much smaller this year because I want to save for the future. Future travel and the longer term future. Maybe my "fun money" will be finishing up the passport application.

Deb and Danae both love my idea of the train home and say that they're excited to have something that interesting on the property. Wait until they see the gardening that I'm going to do. It's going to be useful and beautiful. I think that tomorrow I'm going to spend more time filling boxes to donate. I need to get serious about the downsizing process. I am thinking about what I want inside a train home. Limited space means a focus on quality. I want to make quilts for summer and winter. I want to make the curtains and the table linens. I want the rest of my life to be pretty and joyful and full of creativity. I want to make my own clothes for the most part. I want to put up our food.

My heart is feeling full and hopeful. I treated myself to an afternoon of crochet after all of my chores and the taxes. Listening to an audiobook most of the day. it was a nice end to the day.

Gratitude
- I am grateful that my taxes are done.
- I am grateful that people like my tiny home dream.
- I am grateful for how creative I'm feeling.
- I am grateful to be feeling so content.
- I am grateful for the people in my life.

comments

Feel the wheels rumbling 'neath the floor

2026-04-11T03:39:18Z

And the sons of pullman porters
And the sons of engineers
Ride their fathers' magic carpets made of steel
And mothers with their babes asleep
Are rockin' to the gentle beat
And the rhythm of the rails is all they feel - Arlo Guthrie

I am thinking about buying a retired passenger train car to convert into a tiny home. My obsession with rail travel. It makes so much sense and it delights me because the level of whimsy living in an old train is intoxicating. And I had the idea today to design the covered porch to resemble an old-time train station with a ticket booth facade around the sauna when I get that someday. I'll grow roses and native honeysuckle up trellises. It will be so beautiful.

I'm so ready to move to the next chapter of my life. So, so ready. I am ready for my happily ever after all these years.

Missing Matt already. Our time together always feels too short. He's my best friend, he's my partner, we're supposed to be together more often than we're apart.

Made it to the gym every day this work week. Two days of strength training and three days of cardio. I have Qigong class tomorrow and I want to steam part of the carpets, which will be a lot of work for me. Mostly did well with my nutrition.

J and I had an interesting conversation today that has me thinking. There was something new. A new energy coming from him.

Gratitude
- I am grateful that my creativity is wildly alive at the moment.
- I am grateful for the support of my people.
- I am grateful that I stuck to my exercise goals this week.
- I am grateful to be home after a long week.
- I am grateful for where I am in my life.
- I am grateful for who is in my life.

comments

I suppose it could be true

2026-04-08T03:00:59Z

I could hurt someone like me
Out of spite or jealousy
I don't steal and I don't lie
But I can feel and I can cry
A fact I'll bet you never knew
But to cry in front of you
That's the worst thing I could do - Stockard Channing

Today was just a day externally. I lifted weights for the first time in a long time, a nice upper body session. I used 8 lb. dumbbells because I was doing tricep work but I think if I stick with it, I can get back to using 10+ lbs. very soon. The exercise improved my mood. I got a lot of work done and it was nice to listen to music and just live inside my head for a bit. Some frustrating union emails on the way home but already the detachment is a wonderful thing. I did really well with my nutrition today.

( Shadow Work Prompt )

Gratitude
- I am grateful to be doing the shadow work to be happier.
- I am grateful for my connections.
- I am grateful that I lifted weights today.
- I am grateful for music that lifts my spirits.
- I am grateful that I slept so well last night.

comments

I'll be your mirror

2026-04-07T04:20:42Z

Reflect what you are, in case you don't know
I'll be the wind, the rain, and the sunset
The light on your door to show that you're home
When you think the night has seen your mind
That inside you're twisted and unkind
Let me stand to show that you are blind
Please, put down your hands
'Cause I see you
I find it hard to believe you don't know
The beauty you are
But if you don't, let me be your eyes
A hand to your darkness so you won't be afraid - The Velvet Underground

I wonder what people would think if they could see my heart brimming over with warmth and love for them. Do they have any idea? Would they want to know? Do they feel the same? Somewhere deep I believe that it's okay for love to just exist, that it doesn't always need to be returned in equal measure or at all. I wonder though. I think people might be surprised at how much is going on in there under the placid surface. I'd confess if asked, but the idea of just saying it is so daunting.

A short chat blew on the ember of a very warm set of feelings today and it made me tremble with happiness and excitement. I wanted to share but I held back. I wanted to follow up on a statement but I held back. Heart singing and I didn't know how to give voice to the way I was feeling. How to explain how important feeling safe and seen in a moment of vulnerability feels to me. Some things are so much easier when you can see and feel the warmth of someone. I want to know if important words are going to land well with people before I say them.

I drew some cards tonight for clarity and meditation. Present/Obstacle/Best and Highest Outcome: King of Sword, Ace of Wands reversed, Seven of Wands. Endurance and frustration, the need for boundaries for the best outcome. Love cards: King of Cups (them)/Page of Wands (me) - so, warm and mature masculine energy paired with my enthusiasm and a new start. None of that was a huge surprise. I meditated on it all for a few minutes and did my thing where I just sit with the impressions I'm getting. I'm feeling hopeful, on the verge of growth, expansion, and opportunity. I just have to reset some boundaries and tie up some things that are getting in my way.

I sent the text to the union's President today where I stated that I wanted to step back from the Comms role and get back to doing policy work, which is my first love in the union. He took it better than I expected. I told him to find an interim person because the officer election is so close and that I'm going to ramp down my time spent on Comms. It was a huge weight off of me and all of my close people basically said, "Yes, you need to do this!"

Today was also my return to the gym. Jared, the tech who runs the gym on campus, was so kind. He welcomed me back and encouraged me to keep coming back. We talked about how stress makes us abandon our good habits so fast. He didn't chide, he said, "Just come back and start again." I needed to hear that. I ran a mile on the arc trainer. I'm going to be sore tomorrow, I haven't done that much activity in a few months. I just couldn't stop once I got going. It felt amazing and I needed the release of pushing myself hard. It improved my mood right away. Industrial music pouring into my ears and just going for it. I want to ask someone in particular to give me accountability for my workouts. I would be so motivated if my workouts came with a little praise or even an order to get it done. I haven't asked yet but I've thought about it. I think about it every time I work out, honestly. I have been about to ask so many times and then I felt too vulnerable and shied away.

I need to stop doing this to myself. I deserve to at least ask for things that would feel meaningful to me. If they say no then they just aren't the person to meet that particular need for me. Why does this feel like such a big thing in my head sometimes? I know logically that it's not but it sure can feel that way. It isn't fair to hold up current and potential relationships to the template of the past. Probably a human thing to do but not very helpful as the caliber of people around me rises.

Gratitude
- I am grateful that I had that conversation about the union today.
- I am grateful for the texts that left me feeling safe and full of love.
- I am grateful that today was sunny.
- I am grateful for my workout today.
- I am grateful that I meditated.
- I am grateful to have come home to delicious leftovers.

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Broke our mirrors

2026-04-05T21:00:49Z

Sunday morning is every day for all I care
And I'm not scared
Light my candles in a daze
'Cause I've found God - Nirvana

Today is the first day that I have felt even halfway well since the beginning of the year. I took the whole weekend off, blocked everyone on my phone except for whom I wanted to talk to because they bring me joy and didn't check my union emails until this afternoon. Even then I only answered the people that I like to talk to.

I was hoping for enough energy for a big cleaning day but it was more of a mini chore day. I am tired but slowly healing after the burnout. I found enough energy to do my laundry and vacuum, to unload the dishwasher - it's a start. I also did the first serious cooking that I've done since maybe the winter holidays? I made a big pot of congee in the Instant Pot with pork, mushrooms, gai lan, garlic, ginger, and onions, then dressed my lunch portion with a mashed, salted duck egg, big handfuls of green onion and cilantro, and lashing of rice vinegar, Sriracha, and toasted sesame oil. It was so delicious. My body feels good after eating that, comforted. I suspect that I've been a bit anemic lately.

I need to get back to exercising. I'm hoping that the gym at work will have open hours tomorrow. I miss my arc trainer, what Matt calls my "gym boyfriend". Running for 20-30 minutes on that feels amazing to me and I have missed it so much in all the chaos. Why, when we most need to exercise, is it so easy to fall away from exactly the thing that will help? I need to get back in the habit of lifting too. I had an appointment for laser hair removal yesterday so I was going to run through the recording of my Qigong class this afternoon/evening. So glad to have that class. The gentle motion feels excellent in my body.

Yesterday was a day where loneliness nipped at me. I wanted company. I wanted attention. I wanted to be taken care of a little. It isn't easy to get out of hard times all on your own, some things are easier with support and community. There are so few people I can lean on when life is getting to me.

And lust has been nipping at me as well after weeks of not having the energy to care or desire much. Being so far from anyone I'd even want to kiss is maddening. Even Matt is at least 40 minutes away and if it's not my day, I'm out of luck there. I have accepted that he will never impulsively arrive at my door because he misses me. Not with his calendar looking the way it does and his habits around said calendar. I do love that idea though. To be missed and wanted so much that they arrive with scant warning. At least walking around aching feels like being alive. Imperfect in satisfaction but better than the dullness of machine mode.

I have been trying to decide whether to step down from the EC or not. It's a very hard decision because I love the union work but I also love me and I can't exist happily in perpetual burnout. Comms is perpetual burnout for me. I have 86 days left in my tenure which is both terribly long and not long at all depending on perspective. I want to continue doing helpful and change-making work but I need to do it differently. I want time back to take classes, especially some ASL classes. I keep trying with the ASL Bloom app but I feel like I need more structure and more ability to learn about grammar. And I need people to try talking to for that practice that will help me get it down.

I just hate to walk away and leave something undone. I know that me leaving early would be a hardship to somebody and I hate to do what has so often been done to me. Competence can be a curse even though it's the best possible thing to be in this world. Things need to be different. I need a firm plan about how to make those differences happen. Making firm plans when you're exhausted isn't the greatest thing.

Gratitude
- I am grateful that I made congee today.
- I am grateful that my laundry is getting clean.
- I am grateful to be chatting with one of my favorite people by text.
- I am grateful that it's sunny today.
- I am grateful to be regaining strength with rest and nutritious food.

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A modern day warrior

2026-03-29T16:25:55Z

Though his mind is not for rent
Don't put him down as arrogant
His reserve, a quiet defense
Riding out the day's events - Rush

I can't believe the strike is over. It's like waking up from a strange, frantic dream. I've had bouts of anxiety because I don't have a morning to night workload and I feel like I'm missing things. I was very unwell the past two days, both physically and mentally. Pure exhaustion. I slept most of yesterday, which meant that I missed the No Kings Rally that I wanted to go to and that was disappointing. I was weak and having muscle spasms and trouble balancing; feeling tired but better today. I have been struggling to maintain body temperature for a few days, either freezing or burning up but not actually febrile.

Already my mind is wondering what to focus on next but I think the focus for the next few weeks at least needs to be getting my health and routine back on track, prioritizing rest and well-being. My Qigong class starts up again on Saturday and I am really looking forward to that. My body craves gentle movement.

Last week I had a pre-surgical consult and I have a June appointment for a device fitting to support the herniation until surgery later this year or early next. Keep it from getting worse. The surgeon also wants me to pursue physical therapy in the interim. I've had trouble finding a specialist PT on the westside who is accepting new patients but she gave me some advice about how to pursue an out-of-network therapist who accepts Kaiser insurance. in a way that will get it covered. I need to start on that next week. Matt said he'll help pay for it if I have to go out-of-network because it will be more expensive.

I still need novelty. I need to engage my brain differently somehow to help shake off the anxiety and depression. My "machine mode" is very useful for surviving but it isn't very healthy for me ultimately. I can compartmentalize pain, discomfort, exhaustion, and stress for weeks when I must but when I crash, I crash so hard.

The plan today is to make high-protein overnight oatmeal for the week with fruit and seeds. I have cold brew concentrate, my little treat to myself. I have lentil soup cups for work. I'm going to be okay even without back pay for the strike, but it is going to be an extra frugal month. Kiddo has a coupon for a free pint of strawberries this week and we've already planned to dry the tops to mix with some of our looseleaf tea for a penny-pinching treat. I am so glad that I taught Kiddo how to make a game and an art out of having very little. It is a strength and we have almost always managed to thrive more than survive even when we've had very few means.

My main focus after rest is reconnection with the people who matter to me. I haven't meant to ignore people but I've been lost in my to-do list for weeks. It's so hard to connect when you have nothing to give and you're so focused on the emergencies in front of you. I want to get back to bringing my best self to the people I care about.

Gratitude
- I am grateful to Matt, J, T, and Kiddo for being my support team the past few months.
- I am grateful that I'll be getting back on my routine soon.
- I am grateful for my frugality skills.
- I am grateful that the chaos is done.
- I am grateful to only have three months left in my union role.

comments

If you set your mind free, baby

2026-03-22T21:56:28Z

Cynthia wore the prettiest dress
With different color socks
Sometimes, I wondered
If the mates were in her lunch box - Prince

Yesterday was an actual day off. It was amazing. I need at least three or four more of those in rapid succession. I ran some errands in the morning, then treated myself to a coffee and a breakfast sandwich at Lionheart Coffee. It was perfect weather to sit outside and just breathe. I cannot tell you how much I needed that. It was therapeutic in a way I can't even describe. I lingered over my food and then walked to my local yarn shop and used up the second gift card that I got for Xmas. I got three skeins of a mauve corded yarn that I want to turn into a hip skirt/hip scarf and a hand-dyed skein of cotton in a pastel color way of sage/grey/lilac/cream.

T and I are both getting more and more into the clown girl thing. After my pastel rainbow makeup triumph last week, I think that my clown is pastel goth with the soft, muted color way I found in the yarn. I want to spend the summer sewing cute baggy pants and knitting or crocheting little tops and accessories. Maybe I need some mini hats and fascinators. I also want to have the time to paint my cheap, brown corset in a harlequin pattern of cream diamonds with little beads. Clowncore rabbit girl; I'm mixing my metaphors and I like it. I think that I'm going to use the cotton skein of yarn to make a mini ruff. So cute!

I also got a facial done yesterday and it was so incredible. My face feels buttery soft today and I am glowing. I love salon skincare, it's such a little joy.

I capped off the day by crocheting.

Today I have a union meeting that I do not want to go to at all. It's going to be a bunch of bitching and bickering that I don't care about in the least. After that I'm going to try to have some video time with T. I took a walk this morning and scoured the local stores for a few pantry items on sale. I got a few things for long-term storage, but it's painful out there.

Gratitude
- I am grateful to finally have had a rest day.
- I am grateful that J and I got to play a little game yesterday.
- I am grateful for video time with T.
- I am grateful that I was able to add a little to our storage.
- I am grateful that we have a rally and march tomorrow.

comments

I'll tell you this, my love

2026-03-19T04:10:56Z

I do not give a fuck
I want you on your worst behavior
Touch me like a gangster
Rock me, baby boy, give it hell
This bed ain't gon' break itself - Jessie Murph

I told a meta earlier today, "Willing to go out in a blaze of glory and glitter. My good judgment left the building a week ago." I have still had no actual full day off in months. I'm not counting the day that I got sick before the strike. That wasn't restful or enjoyable. I need to enjoy something. I need to not be scheduled for things. I sincerely feel like my soul is dying a little. I can't even find the energy to watch a movie. It's like depression but the busiest depression ever. It's hard to wind down at night because my to do list is endless.

I want to have fun this weekend but, aside from my appointment at my aesthetics place, I have no plans. I'm afraid of the disappointment of getting excited about something and having it go down in flames. The constant adaptation to changes, schedules, etc., has been very stressful for me. I do what I must but so often I feel unsettled. I miss my little routines and schedules. I become a less good person when I am bracing for disappointments.

Today was supposed to be Rainbow Day on the picket line and I did the cutest pastel rainbow makeup. I guess this old goth hasn't lost some of her painting skills. Rainbow eyes, brows, and lips, but in soft, muted colors. I was so proud of it. And then it became very apparent that I had the choice to either go to the picket line and stay up all night doing Comms or stay home from the picket line and get work done. I stayed home and with a full face of pastel goth clown makeup, wrote Comms. I was bummed. Being on the picket line has been my only stress relief, the yelling and dancing and chatting with people.

Craving time and connection with my people. I need to have some fun. There is an end to this strike and a return to routine. Right now I hate all of the rapid changes, pressing timelines, and uncertainty. But there is an end.

Gratitude
- I am grateful that I got important work done today.
- I am grateful that I did a pretty makeup look even though I rarely wear makeup anymore.
- I am grateful for some of the political support for our cause that is starting to show up.
- I am grateful for the people whom I love.
- I am grateful for my cozy little home.

comments

Solidarity Forever

2026-03-15T03:49:34Z

When the union's inspiration through the workers' blood shall run
There can be no power greater anywhere beneath the sun;
Yet what force on earth is weaker than the feeble strength of one
But the union makes us strong - Pete Seeger

It's hard to even find words for the past four days. The only time I have ever felt comparable levels of exhaustion yet exhilaration was the first time I held Kiddo in my arms after 15 hours of labor. The night before we were supposed to stage our walkout and strike, the College illegally locked us out by declaring a remote day. I was up until 2am getting the emergency communications out when negotiations failed late Tuesday night. I've hardly slept since because the Comms lift has been enormous and harrowing with near-constant pivots. Last night was the first night that I got more than 4-6 hours of sleep in the past few weeks. I am physically and mentally wrecked with few options to get my feet under me.

I thought that I could take today off. I fell asleep early last night and, while I was asleep, someone scheduled a meeting that I had to attend without telling me. I got the calendar ping when I was out birdwatching this morning and I felt annoyed to the point of violence. The park is flooded after the recent storms and the birdwatching was incredible in the flooded forest. I saw shovelers, American wigeons, mallards, a greater egret, and my beloved red-winged blackbirds. I might go again tomorrow if I get enough done on the Monday newsletter.

I'm not in good shape. My autoimmune stuff is on fire. I'm drained. I'm starting to feel depressed from being so tired. But being on the picket line, in a way, has been so good. If I didn't also have all of the Comms work, I'd be having the best time I've had in years. I'm spending good time with good people fighting for a needful cause. I want my coworkers to have good pay and benefits as much as I want that for myself. Being on the line is joyful but taxing. It has been very cold and stormy until this morning so we've been soaked on the line. Getting that cold makes my arthritis bad. I've been needing pain patches and gummies every day since Wednesday just to stay functional. Lots of hot showers and self massage. Matt worked on my muscles Thursday night and they were so tight that the muscles releasing was painful.

The thing that is really getting me down is the negative feedback on Comms because I'm working so damn hard. The faculty union has a large contract action team who can generate content very quickly by delegating the work. I have....me. I have a few reliable people who help when I ask but mostly it's me, me, and me. Shifting the newsletter over to a personal email address book has been rough. Some people submitted their work email addresses to the update info form so they're not getting anything and they're angry and I'm trying to make them understand but I am out of fucking patience these days because until last night I was hardly sleeping and working every waking minute.

I'm trying to scale Comms back to a manageable output after weeks of not. I think I'm going to stay home Monday to work on my laptop instead of going to the line, that way I can divide my work over two days instead of working a 12-hour day tomorrow. I don't have many of those left in me any time soon.

I filed for unemployment today for the first time ever. I've always had a job, never gone more than a few weeks without paid work in my life except for when Kiddo was first born. I'll take a job. I'm not proud about it. I've done everything from fast food to roadie work to office work to what I do now. PCC doesn't pay unemployment insurance regularly because we've never had a strike. This is about to get really expensive for them when these applications start vesting in a few weeks.

The news cycle is wild. We've been the top story for days. I'm scrambling to learn social media accessibility and such in this environment. Melissa told me today that she ran into someone from Custodial at Home Depot today and they were gushing about me and the help I've given them since they were hired to our campus. Melissa called me a celebrity, that when people talk to her, they all want to talk about their connection to me. I don't believe that. I'm just a struggling someone trying to get the work done and help folks. Someone who has almost cried more than once over mean messages about my work when I'm trying so hard under terrible conditions. Like when Matt tells me how beautiful I am and I say, "I'm just a rabbit." I distrust being set on a pedestal because that's a long way to fall when you show a glimmer of humanity and frailty. I hate disappointing people.

Listening to Randi Weingarten's book Why Fascists Fear Teachers: Public Education and the Future of Democracy. What an apt time for it to arrive from the library. Randi Weingarten has a nice voice, absolute teacher voice. It's nice to listen to her talk about being in a union and working in education in this particular political climate; that's my daily world and why I got involved in my union. Definitely worth reading if you care about public education and workers' rights.

Trying to be gentle on myself but I'm not good at that. I could use someone else being gentle with me as an example. If it's nice tomorrow, I want to go for a walk again. Being out in the sunlight and fresh air today was good and, even though my pain is high, the walking felt right in my body. I need to move and be away from my laptop even on days when I need to work.

Feeling lonely even though I'm currently terrible company. I miss the easy cuddle puddles of my old poly household because sleeping against someone would be the cure for a lot of what ails me. Not feeling alone in the face of daunting work. Feeling supported and loved. Matt and I got into a spat last night because he gave one of his friends my phone number without asking me so that they could ask me gardening questions. I like this person but I don't like my number being shared without being asked. Consent and privacy felt violated. Also, I am being asked questions from dusk until dawn these days. It didn't feel sensitive to where I am and what I'm currently doing. I told him that I will not be available for gardening questions to anyone (family or friends) until the strike ends. I'm starting to be snappish with people asking me things that they could bloody well look up for themselves.

Thinking more and more about hair dye, a new tattoo, something.

Gratitude
- I am grateful for a decent night of sleep.
- I am grateful that I saw a little sunlight today.
- I am grateful that I saw a lot of wild birds today.
- I am grateful for my coworkers.
- I am grateful for hot showers.

comments

Stand up, fight back!

2026-03-12T03:43:43Z

Last night our Bargaining Team decided to strike after not being able to reach a fair tentative agreement with the College by 11:30pm and moments later they locked us out by going to remote operations. More from the chaos playbook with this administration, it seems to be their modus operandi. I was up until 2am getting out emergency communications and fielding questions from members. My phone started going off around 6:30am so I went to the picket line groggy after two nights of almost no sleep to fortify me.

For visibility, the bulk of our picket line was down near a busy intersection but I was on gate crew, so we were picketing at the entrance of the college trying to discourage people from entering campus because, of course, they did not lock the gates even though they were saying that it was remote operations. Lying liars who lie. Not many people wanted to be on gate crew because it's way less exciting than the big party of the strike line. We got drenched. The weather today was terrible and the rain was getting icy near the end. Mari and I were so cold that after we dropped Mike off at his car, we went to get hot soup and sandwiches before heading home. I had a hot coffee and a bowl of tomato soup. I haven't been hungry all day but I wanted to be warm so badly. I held the coffee cup in both hands trying to get some feeling back into them. My clothes were soaked through around the edges.

Meeting after meeting once I got home, plus Comms work. I am both exhausted and elated. I desperately need some rest days soon or I'm going to be very unwell in some regard.

But tonight I am lonely. No physical comfort. No one to talk through the day with, the highs and the lows. I feel disconnected, just a little machine that works and works and works every hour. It feels terrible. How good would it be to be working so hard and have someone lean over to say, "I know it's hard but I'm so proud of you." I literally almost cried on the bus the other day when J told me he was proud of me. It took everything to stuff that feeling back down because being so tired frays my edges and I lose my armor. Only not wanting strangers looking at me like that kept me together.

Another day on the line. The lies by Administration in the media border on fabulous. What a crazy time and event.

Gratitude
- I am grateful that I did important work today.
- I am grateful for hot soup and hot drinks.
- I am grateful for the electric blanket.
- I am grateful that I only have to be on for two more days and then I can rest.
- I am grateful for my fellow union officers.

comments

You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain

2026-03-11T04:04:13Z

I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink
I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink
I wonder, should I get up
And fix myself a drink?
No, no, no - The Beatles

Another day of working nonstop from waking until now. I told Matt that I feel like a figment of his imagination, I'm so exhausted that it feels like my mind is wrapped in cotton. And then at night I can't sleep. I want someone to hold and adore me, give me a place to sleep that feels secure. Let someone else keep the watch instead of me.

Still no tentative agreement. Will they lock us out or will we walk out? The most unsettling part is the not knowing. I think I will feel better once it's a yes or a no to the strike. I like concrete. I like direction. Abstracts can be a struggle for me in the real world.

I am lonely and feeling weighed down. I want to ask for attention and distraction but then I don't.

Maybe it's time to appease the mental health gods with hair dye or tattoos. I crave something novel and something that isn't Comms work.

Gratitude
- I am grateful to be home and warm.
- I am grateful for the delicious salad that Kiddo made for dinner.
- I am grateful that soon there will be a direction.
- I am grateful that I get to see Matt Thursday.
- I am grateful for the growing interest in accountability for the board and administration.
- I am grateful

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A soft place to land

2026-03-09T21:11:50Z

There aren't many these days but I can dream about them. And I do. I am trying to carve out a little more time for myself and a little more time to connect with people who matter. I need that time so much after months of almost none.

I could not sleep last night. I was wired and felt voracious even though I was so tired and sore after working all day. I felt like I would snap into pieces without stress relief. I felt a little angry and even a gummy didn't calm me. It was such a strange mood but eventually I wound down and now I'm running on maybe four hours of sleep.

Craving attention and affection. I want to be seen and known in a more holistic way. People tend to meet the aloof, strong part of me and so rarely does anyone ever see the softness unless they've been around for a while. Talking with Matt and J, it's become really stark to me how the strength that has been necessary to survive is now more of a burden than anything. How do I retain the usefulness of my solid backbone but still let people see that there is a heart in there? Matt's patience and gentleness got past my barriers but he has always seen my softness, he insisted on falling in love with that side of me even when I was kicking and screaming about it, insisting it was barely there.

I should dig into some more shadow work journaling, find some of the scary prompts that make me uncomfortable just by reading them. I should know by now that pain and fear are usually temporary conditions. I'm so far out of my comfort zone with my union work right now that you think I would feel invincible. I don't. Yet.

I'm trying to get the lab ready for us to walk out if we strike on Wednesday. I want to set myself up to come back without too much pain. I keep getting interrupted by people with strike questions or who need reassurance. This is the part that I'm good at in the union.

I have an important meeting tonight but I'm hoping to have some time to myself after that.

I saw that you were wanted, but not like I wanted you
And that's when I knew I had to be with you
And that's when I knew if I didn't, I'd be through
To end my grief I'd have to catch a thief
Your love was my relief my love is your release - Lovage

Gratitude
- I am grateful for the perspective that connections can bring to my thinking.
- I am grateful to be able to afford grocery delivery today before the strike.
- I am grateful for the news coverage our efforts are getting.
- I am grateful that I can go home tonight and put on my soft clothes.
- I am grateful for the chances I am taking and trying to take.

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Take a little walk to the edge of town

2026-03-09T01:11:29Z

Yesterday hundreds of PCC union members rallied and marched in Downtown Portland. It was euphoric and, momentarily, it made all of the late nights and lost sleep worth it. I sat there in the soft winter sunlight on the brick steps of Schrunk Plaza feeling pretty proud of the small crew of us who have been at it for months. We were singing and chanting, cheering the good and booing our tone-deaf administration. The COLA offer is now 0.5%, up from 0.35%. Yes, those decimals are in the right spot. I make decent money and a 0.5% COLA is about $320 gross per year for my family, $27 per month before taxes. What is that after taxes? A loaf of bread and some eggs?

But for a few hours yesterday, I felt the power of it all instead of the exhaustion that has been my life the past few months. It felt good. Tired again today, though. I've put in 10 hours today and that's a short day lately. My mental health isn't great, my physical health isn't much better.

The college administration refuses to move and I, along with everyone else, am wondering what their end game is. Are they playing the world's dumbest game of chicken? Do they not believe us? Are they trying to sink the ship? Conversation often turns to, "Is this malice or incompetence?" Regardless, they treat us terribly, talk down to us, and then they decide to pick a fight with over 2,000 people? Okay, I guess.

I really want some positive attention and affirmation today. I am trying to find the inner vulnerability to ask for it. My stoicism is in high gear because it's pure survival and work mode every waking minute.

Gratitude
- I am grateful for the work that I have been able to do.
- I am grateful for everything I have learned recently.
- I am grateful for yesterday's rally being a success.
- I am grateful for the other union folks helping do the heavy lifting.
- I am grateful for being so far out of my comfort zone that I can't even be afraid.

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Ten miles of bad road

2026-03-04T03:05:50Z

Surprise, surprise, the prolonged exhaustion made me easy prey for a virus despite my masking and frequent hand washing. I've been alternating between sleeping and doing Comms work the past two days because strike communications never cease. Now that we're past the strike authorization vote, it's just as much work but somehow less stressful because our strike numbers are high, absolutely top tier.

If we don't get a fair offer, we will strike eight days from now. Of course, settling a good contract is the ultimate but I'm ready. I've been frugal with my resources the past few months and I'll be damned if I'll settle for a COLA that's a pay cut because it doesn't keep up with inflation.

I'm a terrible partner right now. I'm so tired and distracted. I still can't seem to find time for exercise so I'm trying hard to eat better, which is also a challenge given how amazing a cinnamon bun sounds every day when I'm burning myself to cinders trying to get everything done. All the same, I got a tiny bit of time with each sweetie in the past week and it was needed.

Back to work tomorrow unless I wake up worse somehow.

Gratitude
- I am grateful that my stress levels have gone down.
- I am grateful for the tacos I had for dinner.
- I am grateful for the extra sleep the past few days.
- I am grateful that I got a whole day off on Sunday.
- I am grateful to be of use to my union even though it is making me very tired.

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My spark is very dim

2026-02-17T04:06:14Z

I live in a state of perpetual exhaustion as strike preparations continue. I wrote and published four newsletters last week and already wrote two more this week. I regularly work 10-12 hours per day on weekends. I am either working at my day job, doing union work, or staring blankly at the ceiling while I listen to an audiobook or some music. I am too tired to cook or exercise. I live on caffeine and protein shakes. My sleep is wretched. I'm trying to keep in focus the idea that in the grand scheme of a lifetime, this strike is a short blip but the preparations are really something and I feel like the Comms is too important to slack on.

But my joy is gone. I am chronically busy but bored because recreation is a memory. I knit a few rows here and there, but that's about it. Books during my commute and audiobooks when I can. I feel like I'm going to explode at some point from lack of novelty and pleasurable mental stimulation.

And tonight I was told that the council member I have the most friction with wants to get in on strike comms. I meant every word of it when I said that I would step down if I have to deal with her regularly. She actually makes me feel loathing that borders on violent. I get along better with the one conservative member of the council than I do her. I am already stressed and exhausted, I don't need anything making my life harder and every time she speaks my shoulders tighten up. She's obnoxious, the very definition of someone who lives to be an obstacle. Lord Ganesha could not move that bitch.

Gratitude
- I am grateful for my cat.
- I am grateful that my work is done for the night.
- I am grateful that my girl sent me a gorgeous photo of herself.
- I am grateful to clown around with my metas.
- I am grateful for the shower I am about to take and the bed I am about to sleep in.

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So detached

2026-02-10T18:15:49Z

I feel like I'm connected to the world by duties and thin strings. I am almost glad for how busy strike preparations have kept me as I try to navigate the world as it is and the things in my own life that are troubling me. The nightmares haven't really ended since hearing about my mom's Alzheimer's diagnosis. I keep having dreams about her walking up a hill way ahead of me and I'm trying to catch up but I can't and she doesn't seem to hear me calling out to her. I wake up from these dreams feeling very heavy in my soul. I dream about my dad a lot like he's still here or he's come back to be with her.

I always feel unsettled lately unless I manage to lose myself in distractions.

My life feels like poorly fitted clothing lately. My mind is already on to the phase that comes after this one, so I'm irritated with delays and temporality. I look at my utilitarian wardrobe for work and I'm irritated. I look at my emails and I'm irritated. I look at the projects I never have the time for and I'm irritated. It is so hard to act normal when absolutely nothing is normal and every damn thing feels up in the air.

I went to the local Labor Against I C E rally a few Saturdays ago and I was right there when they rained hellfire down on a peaceful march. Something percussive absolutely rocked me, left me with a headache and ringing ears. I'm still glad that I went, though it didn't ease my nightmares any. They've been worse since.

Feeling very lonely. I'm struggling to connect with even the people I care about deeply. When I'm with Matt, conversation can feel like a burden to my tired mind. Mostly I just want touch and temporary peace. It feels like every waking hour is full of work either for my day job or for the union. I remind myself often that this is temporary and I count down the months until I can step down from my union role and take a break. I want to take some ASL classes because I'm struggling to retain without structure to help me form phrases and sentences. And I want to cook and to make. I want to dust off the sewing machine and make some long skirts for summer. I want to finish my current knitting and crochet projects so I can move on to things with new skills to learn.

Gratitude
- I am grateful that Pyp's tests came back mostly healthy.
- I am grateful for my fellow union officers and volunteers.
- I am grateful to be reframing my connection to consumerism.
- I am grateful that I have tonight off.
- I am grateful that Yvon packed a lunch for me last night.

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Fuck you, pay us

2026-01-29T04:24:06Z

I walk it like I talk it, aw yeah, damn right
You ain't know me, shut the fuck up when you talkin', damn right
Man, I came up from the bottom, now we poppin', damn right
Nowadays it's "fuck you, pay me," why we talkin'? - Snotty Nose Rez Kids

Mediation today and we are definitely headed for an impasse and a strike. Mari and I went after work and took some snacks to feed the bargaining team, who were there all day. We worked on the press release that will go out Friday. I can't say much more in the bright light of day right now but my next 30-60+ days are going to be busy. I'm working hard on newsletters for Friday and early next week. I have so much to do. I need to find a pace I can maintain.

My sleep has been very impaired lately. I've had a lot of anxiety about my union work, the strike, and my mom's health. I'm having terrible nightmares, most of them about my mom. I keep having a dream that she's walking up a hill and I'm trying to catch up with her and call out to her but she can't seem to hear me and I can't gain ground. Last night I was dreaming that she was trying to feed my cat things that were dangerous for him. It's all been so upsetting. I think it's the product of my days being so full of work that I don't have time to properly process and grieve so it comes out in my sleep. I'm so exhausted today.

Relationships continue to grow and that's truly the best thing that I have going on these days. I take great joy in the people I'm connected to. I want to go visit T in the autumn but my surgery may be scheduled around then. Looking like a consult will be scheduled for April.

Gratitude
- I am grateful that I went to support mediation tonight.
- I am grateful for my fellow EC members.
- I am grateful for Mari and her endless support.
- I am grateful that the ball is starting to roll on my surgery.
- I am grateful to have my sweet cat curled against my side.

comments

Strange days have found us

2026-01-18T19:49:55Z

Strange days have tracked us down
They're going to destroy our casual joys
We shall go on playing or find a new town, yeah!
Strange eyes fill strange rooms
Voices will signal their tired end
The hostess is grinning, her guests sleep from sinning
Hear me talk of sin and you know this is it, yeah! - The Doors

I woke up feeling off. I think that I might be coming down with something. I'm a little congested and my head feels funny, not a headache but not right. I've been so careful with the masking and hand washing. *sigh* I'll rest and hydrate today, see if I can't get out ahead of it.

I placed some grocery orders today. Nobody seemingly has dried blueberries, which was a request from Yvon. Weird. Both places were out and Ken has my dehydrator. I got dates, blackberries, and bananas instead. My sick craving is apparently sparkling mineral water because I saw the case and everything in my body went "yes!" Bodies are so weird. So today I'm reading and I'm going to work on my afghan. Might nap even though I usually don't nap. My body is so tired.

How do I help in current times? I am still looking for helpful niches. I've made some local donations. I'm buying from small or progressive businesses when I do have to shop and I've really stepped back from buying unless there is a need. I am doing my work for my union and looking for other places to get involved in new and different ways because my union work has taught me that I have skills I wasn't aware of and I can be braver than I ever imagined. I'm too physically fragile to be much of a fighter but I can be a helper. I'm good at feeding people and at coming up with necessary supplies. I am first aid trained. I can do bail calls and safety calls. I'm looking into a potentially interesting local political candidate. I need to see more from her to see if I'm willing to support her campaign. I know that I am one person but I'm trying to be part of the bigger thing because what is going on cannot stand.

You know what my daydream has been since Matt and I got serious about living together? I daydream about our garden producing enough to share the bounty with our friends and our community. Butternut squash and berries for everyone. Taking boxes of fresh produce to the food bank. If we build the commercial kitchen, I dream about letting our friends like Brookie use it for their small businesses to help them get off the ground. I want to do good and radiate that out.

I rewrote my 101/1,001 list at the end of the year, but I may need to revisit it as my life changes and I feel more inspired to grow in different directions. Building skills and taking opportunities.

Gratitude
- I am grateful to be home today.
- I am grateful that I can rest.
- I am grateful that I am able to afford good food for my family.
- I am grateful to be feeling love for my people.
- I am grateful for everything I have worked so hard for.

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A daughter grieving

2026-01-18T04:19:47Z

Mary took to running with a travelin' man
Left her mama crying with her head in her hands
Such a sad case, so broken hearted
She say, mom, I got to go, gotta get outta here
Gotta get out of town, I'm tired of hanging around
I gotta roll on between the ditches
Just an ordinary story 'bout the way things go
'Round and around nobody knows
But the highway goes on forever
That ol' highway rolls on forever - The Oak Ridge Boys

Yesterday I talked to my sister for the first time in about 15 years. She texted at work to ask if she could talk to me so I stepped outside to take the call and, on a beautiful cold, sunny, wintry day, she told me that Mom has Alzheimer's and it's progressing rapidly. I was standing there staring at the drowsy honeybees and ladybugs on the cypress tree by the back door of the lab trying to process everything that I was hearing. It was a kind phone call, the best you could hope for between her and I with our lifelong differences. I am sorry that she's dealing with this and trying to figure out how I can help when I'm so far away.

My friends at work rallied around me and let me talk my way through it but I was still in shock when I got home and all through last night. I texted Matt and Ken to let them know and talked with Yvon once they got home. Exhausted, I went to bed early and slept hard though my dreams were not peaceful.

Qigong classes started up again last week and I almost skipped it this morning but I realized that I was feeling so detached from the physical and needed to reintegrate to get grounded. I made myself get up and put clothes on, cleared a good space to practice, and let myself get lost in our current seasonal practice of Willow and dragon, working the kidney points. It really helped and I'm so glad that I didn't cave to the sadness and stay in bed.

After my class, I had an online date with J and it was more of what I needed. I cried near the end of our time after asking him to help me get there. I needed to cry but I do not break easily. It was such a relief. He was very sweet about it.

The rest of the day was light chores but also a lot of rest. I crocheted for quite a while, making progress on the afghan for my bed. Crocheting makes me feel closer to the women in my family because almost all of us crochet. My mom used to make afghans for people. Simple single crochet afghans. Mine was pale yellow. It had a burn hole in it where some adult dropped cigarette ash on it and the acrylic melted a hole that didn't unravel. I used to watch scary movies through the hole when I was younger. She never learned any stitch except the single crochet, only made afghans, couldn't be fussed to do anything else with it but I know that she made a lot of people happy with them.

I have so many complicated feelings learning about Mom's diagnosis. She's always been a complicated and difficult person. She was frequently unkind to me in her own unhappiness but she was also funny and sometimes terrifically generous. I was the person who could say hard things to her that no one else in the family dared to say because I could make her laugh. I am not surprised by her diagnosis because Alzheimer's runs on Grandpa's side of the family and she has the temperament that makes you predisposed to it but it's still a shock. It certainly explains the lack of phone calls. Her forgetting to send Yvon a birthday card. I do wish that I had someone in person to process this with but this isn't the first time that I've faced a huge sorrow with no chance of hugs or comfort. I'm self soothing in what ways I can that are still mostly healthy.

Gratitude
- I am grateful that my conversation with my sister was cordial.
- I am grateful to understand why my mom forgot about cards and calls around the holidays.
- I am grateful that I was able to rest today.
- I am grateful for the support of my friends.
- I am grateful for the time Josh and I spent together today.

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Who can say where the road goes

2026-01-11T17:56:58Z

Where the day flows, only time
And who can say if your love grows
As your heart chose, only time - Enya

The conference was good. I have so many things to read up on because there are benefits available through the national that I think our members will want to know about, like access to free additional Accidental Death & Dismemberment insurance. There are even discounted movie tickets at some theater chains. I also learned about communication and mobilization tools that we can use for different campaigns. I got home last night and I was so damn tired but really happy.

We held a vigil and rally at Pioneer Square yesterday. Graham Trainor from the Oregon AFL-CIO, Tamie Cline from ONA, Representative Maxine Dexter, and Randi Weingarten, our AFT National President, all spoke. It was at times somber but it was strengthening to stand shoulder to shoulder with so many others who believe in decency and goodness and solidarity. Representative Dexter talked about how being asked to join us was helping to fill her cup and I felt my cup refilling over the weekend. I got burned out late last year but so many things about this weekend renewed my energy for labor rights, which are key in addressing so many other ills.

I'm happy to be home. I managed to catch my various transit pretty quickly so I was home by 6:30pm. Pyp was very emotional. It's hard for him when I'm away. Yvon had made sliders and roasted veggies, so I walked through the door to a hot meal and that was amazing. One of my only complaints about the weekend was the food. For dinner Friday night they opted for free cocktails over food, so there were just appetizers and the quality of them was poor. I ended up going back to my room and eating a protein bar. I had breakfast in my room, an oatmeal packet and a banana plus coffee because the breakfast spread was continental and I wasn't quite ready to deal with people so early in the day. Lunch was good, though. Taco bar. I was starving at that point. I will say that the in-house chocolate chip cookies were delightful, as was the constant beverage station. But coming home to a hot dinner was just so nice.

I fell asleep early and slept in but I'm still feeling tired. That was a lot of into and a lot of people in 24 hours. Trying to recharge the introvert batteries. I have some union work to do this morning and then I'm hoping to catch T for video chat. Currently holding a little cat in the pouch hoodie and drinking coffee with an audiobook on in the background.

Gratitude
- I am grateful that I went to the AFT Leadership Conference this weekend.
- I am grateful to be home.
- I am grateful to be warm and fed.
- I am grateful that my spark is reigniting.
- I am grateful for the chance that I took to become a union officer.

comments

I've paid my dues

2026-01-10T05:01:25Z

But it's been no bed of roses
No pleasure cruise
I consider it a challenge before the whole human race
And I ain't gonna lose
(We're gonna go on and on and on and on) - Queen

I meant to write before this but I spent my entire break recuperating from the past few months. Mostly I napped, knitted, played with my cat, and obsessed a bit over making soups. It was what I needed to rejuvenate myself after months of putting in 60-hour weeks.

Tonight I'm at the Benson Hotel for an AFT Leadership Conference. I met the AFT National President, Randi Weingarten, she's an impressive woman. I'm here with Jeff, the PCCFCE President and Alexander, one of our campus reps from Cascade. I wish more of our Executive Council was here, but apparently they tried to apply too late and couldn't get in. The opening ceremonies were nice, far more hopeful than I was expecting. Tomorrow we have workshops and a vigil. I'm having a good time but I am all peopled out and a bit tired from trying to keep up with conversations with my poor hearing. I'm trying to decide which workshops to attend tomorrow. I know that I want to go to the comms workshop in the first session, but not sure which one to do after that. I asked my cohorts to share their notes from other sessions with me if they can. I found out some exciting things about benefits through AFT for our members and got a contact for where I can get literature to pass out to them for things like additional Accidental Death and Dismemberment coverage that is free to them.

There are so many good and inspiring people here. It helps a lot in such dark times.

Matt and I are just in a golden time together. We are so happy the past few months. It's really good. I just love him so much. He adds so much to my happiness. It feels strange to be so personally joyful when there is so much to grieve and push back against, but I lean into that love and joy for strength on the days when I feel like I can't keep holding up my little piece of the universe.

Gratitude
- I am grateful to be here at this conference.
- I am grateful to have so much love in my life.
- I am grateful for a night in this lovely hotel room.
- I am grateful that Melissa was able to return to work.
- I am grateful because today I feel beautiful and smart and strong.

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Maybe I'll settle down

2025-12-25T22:10:13Z

Maybe I'll just leave town
Maybe I'll have some fun
Maybe I'll meet someone
And make him mine
Me, I'll be just
Fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas - Dolly Parton

This has been a fairly mellow Christmas so far. The most enjoyable one in a long time, actually. Yesterday the weather was calm in the morning so I went for a walk in the wetlands before I started preparing Xmas Eve dinner. Hardly anyone out but I saw so many birds. I took a walk last year on Xmas Eve morning as well. It's nice to clear your head when you're the one doing the work of making holiday magic.

We had a really lovely dinner. Pumpkin pasta with a pecan-sage crumble, pesto asparagus, and grape salad. We've been making the grape salad for many years. I think Kiddo first made it when they were a kid, wanting to contribute to the meal. It's so simple but really delicious, halved grapes tossed with yogurt and a little brown sugar and vanilla.

Kiddo gave me some really thoughtful gifts, including a gift card at my favorite local yarn shop. We were talking last night about how we each experienced the high prices and low quality while trying to find gifts for one another. Next year we're going to make our holiday wishlists much earlier in the year to give each other time to find quality and just the right things, whether made or purchased.

I haven't had as much holiday depression this year. I really think that much of mine was attached to my father and the time that I spent in the kitchen with him every year. With him gone, it's both harder and easier. Harder not having him here in the world to talk to but I don't feel like I'm missing out on as much when I can't go home for the holidays now. I've had twinges, little flashes of sharp feelings, but I'm doing better. I'm appreciating the little traditions that Yvon and I have carved out together and wondering how they'll change as Matt and I bring our lives closer together. I'm imagining Yvon coming out to the Grove a day or two before the holiday to help me cook and bake. I'd like to have the time to lay a proper feast out but focus the days around family and food and love.

Woke up with a headache this morning. As my arthritis affects more of my body, I sometimes get headaches originating from neck and back pain that are quite intense. I spent some time on an icepack this morning and probably will sleep with one tonight to get it under control. It's sapped my energy. It took a lot to get the cinnamon rolls going this morning even though I only needed to pop them in the oven. My headaches are so debilitating when I get them.

I think I'm just going to rest with a book and some tea today.

Gratitude
- I am grateful that I was able to go for a walk yesterday.
- I am grateful for a delicious holiday dinner.
- I am grateful to spend a wonderful, relaxed holiday with Kiddo.
- I am grateful that my headache has subsided a bit.
- I am grateful for all that I have; I am very blessed.

comments

Live your life until love is found

2025-12-22T02:18:25Z

I didn't bake pumpkin bread today. I got chilled when I was out running errands early in the day and it made me feel unwell. It took several hours to feel warm again even with the electric blanket and hot tea. Maybe tomorrow. I managed some small chores and a bit of crochet. We finally have everything that we need for our Xmas dinner. The weather tomorrow morning will determine whether I go out for more stocking stuffers or call it good.

I've taken a liking to a certain tulsi and rose herbal tea. I treated myself to a box while I was out today because I ran out last week. Sitting here letting a cup cool enough to drink and starting yet another audiobook. This time the first book in a new series by Peter V. Brett that seems to be the next generation in the same world as The Demon Cycle, which is one of my favorite dark fantasy series, so I'm hopeful. Taking a break from the romance novels to dip back into fantasy and horror a bit. It seems to fit the dark season and the cold, stormy weather. It feels so good to be curled up with tea and a blanket. I'll pick up my crochet again once I finish this journal entry. I want to finish my afghan during this break so that I can move on to other projects.

One of my ideas for my return to analog living is to complete my partially done crafts and then dig into my craft supplies and use them up. After this afghan, I have a cross stitch piece that I want to complete. I'll probably give it to Matt once that's done because it would fit his Star Wars decor theme. And then there's the sweater I started and still need to do the shoulders and sleeves for. So many things that fell by the wayside as I got busier and busier.

Tomorrow I want to do some tidying up, get more into the boxes for donation. I am going to ask Matt if we can drop off donations Saturday morning. Always a relief to release unwanted items.

Had some fun flirtations this morning and late last night. Welcoming in more of that energy. It makes life so much more fun.

Gratitude
- I am grateful that we have good ingredients for Xmas Eve dinner.
- I am grateful for fun interactions.
- I am grateful that I was able to sit and enjoy a coffee this afternoon.
- I am grateful for the feeling of freshly washed hair.
- I am grateful for all that we have.

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Life's the same except for my shoes

2025-12-21T05:27:34Z

It's so easy to blow up your problems
It's so easy to play up your breakdown
It's so easy to fly through a window
It's so easy to fool with the sound - The Cars

The winter break from work is finally here. Thank goodness. The plan is to reignite my joy and get out of the neverending burnout. Today I picked up some ingredients for our holiday dinner and a few small gifts. One of the things that I really noticed while I was out today aside from the sky high prices was the low quality of many consumer goods. I was trying to find a cotton or wool blend sweater to give Yvon for Xmas and couldn't find a single thing that wasn't at least 70% synthetics. So many items that looked like glass but were plastic. Already so much plastic in the house because every damn thing is made of plastic, it seems. I am already approaching purchases with far more intention but the plan is to continue and maybe expand that because I am sick to death of consumer culture.

I was hit with a big realization the other day. I have different attachment styles with men and women. My attachment style with women is very secure and resilient but I have some anxious attachment habits with men. It makes sense given my history but it was a very interesting observation when I caught myself feeling anxiety about low communication with J but not feeling anxiety about similar levels of low communication with T. That awareness helps me work on it and, honestly, once I recognized it, it greatly eased the anxiety I was feeling without much effort. Something to be mindful of as I develop these or other connections.

J and I had our first phone call yesterday and it was so easy. I am usually not super comfortable talking on the phone but our conversation was fluid and fun. He made an hour fly by in what was otherwise a dreadfully boring day of babysitting the lab for a paycheck. We had a communication mishap a few nights ago but we ironed it out. I was pretty clear with him about my expectations around planned time.

For our holiday celebration we're having a pumpkin pasta bake with a walnut sage crumble, pesto veggies, and a grape salad. I haven't figured out what we're doing for dessert yet. I may pick something up. It's going to be a modest holiday since we may be going on strike in the new year. I want to make sure that we have money for our bills should that happen.

Matt and I are getting some extra time this week and I'm looking forward to it. I want to take Deb some gardening books because she's interested in doing some container gardening this year. She wants to grow snap peas, greens, and some tomatoes. That sounds like a good start for a beginner. It's so easy to get enthusiastic and get in over your head.

More errands tomorrow. Getting the last of the holiday stuff for Kiddo and the last little bits of ingredients for dinner.

Next year I'm going to continue focusing on paring down what I own and putting more effort into making what I want and need. I'm also going to continue detaching from the digital world. I'm thinking about leaving the Discord server I've been in for a while. I'm not connecting with people there like I was hoping or maybe I made all of the connections I was meant to. I plan to continue stepping away from social media. The Facebook account that I restarted strictly for union work will disappear as soon as I step down as VP of Communications. I have no desire for it. I do use Instagram to share memes with friends but maybe I should give preference to texts. I want to return to more analog living. I'm going to try to send cards and write letters, make gifts, craft, touch things, step away from mindless tech use.

Gratitude
- I am grateful that J and I had a chance to talk.
- I am grateful for the insight that I had into my own behavior.
- I am grateful for audiobooks.
- I am grateful for the thoughts and interests I'm having lately.
- I am grateful that we are currently safe and warm and fed.

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